How Do I Love My Crazy Family?
OK, we realize that your family may not actually be crazy, but sometimes family members interact with each other in crazy ways. Here are some tips to reduce the madness in your family interactions.
- Learn to communicate differently. You know the routine. You are minding your own business, when a family member asks you a question that makes absolutely no sense. Of course, you respond sarcastically to this ridiculous inquiry, and for some unknown reason they get upset! All of a sudden you're not talking to each other. Sound familiar? How about trying another approach? Do something different and surprise the pants off your family member. For example, what if you edit out the sarcasm and respond genuinely to them? It is possible that a lot of mutual respect can arise from a simple shift in dialogue style.
What Steps Can I Choose to Take?
- Start your conversation with a word of appreciation for your family member.
- Try to really listen to what you family member says. Concentrate on their words and the meaning of those words before you start thinking about your response.
- Respond with the kind of attitude with which you want people to address you.
- If you find yourself stuck in the same old pattern, slow down, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself, and think of what you could say that would be different from how you normally respond.
- Get to know your family. Your relationship with your family isn't black or white; it isn't all good or all bad. It is more dynamic. While living with your family, you might have been more than ready to leave home because they had been driving you nuts. This is a common experience during adolescence. As you leave your adolescent years behind and become a young adult, you begin to see your family members as the dynamically complex individuals they are. Yes, there are those bad days when it seems their mission in life is to annoy and embarrass you, but there are also those shining moments when you appreciate their caring, humor, wit, and smarts. Knowing your families' faults and strengths gives you a more realistic picture and allows you to relate to them as they are, flawed individuals just like you.
What Steps Can I Choose to Take?
- Take opportunities to find out more details about a family member's life. Ask your parent the name of their favorite song. Ask your grandparent what they miss most about their parents.
- Talk to a trusted friend or seek counseling about the way your family has impacted your life for the good and bad.
- Look at how your family typically interacts and decide for yourself what you like and what you don't like.
- How were your parents and step-parents at parenting you? What did they do well and where did the miss the mark?
- Journal about what parts of your family you want to keep and what parts you'd like to not incorporate into your own life. This can be a huge help as you formulate your own identity.
- Differentiate. Be your own person and yet stay connected to your family. Does your family encourage family members to connect anywhere, anytime? Is everybody in everyone else's business? Perhaps you find your family calling far too often and always wanting to know where you are and what you're doing, even when you are hundreds of miles away. Or, in contrast, does your family have little connection or communication with each other? Perhaps your family feels very far away and it is difficult for you to tell your family about your life, even though you want to share it. Can you try to find a balance of being independent and forming your own identity, yet still involved in the lives of those who care about you deeply?
What Steps Can I Choose to Take?
- Pay attention to how much time you spend talking to your family.
- If your life is consumed by phone conversations to Mom, Dad, Little Sis, Aunty Aileen, step-dad Burt, ect… then start cutting down. Allow your phone to ring to voice mail and set aside a limited amount of time to call family, even if you're homesick.
- If it's been over a month and you haven't heard from your family, perhaps it is time to call. Make it part of your weekly or bi-weekly schedule to touch base with your family.
- When something important in your life happens find a way to tell your family. This might be through the phone, email, or a letter, but don't let it pass without sharing the news and the emotions that go with it.
- Think about what makes you who you are. Consider such things as what food you like, what you like to do with free time, what type of people make you feel comfortable and safe, and who you want to become.
- If family members are the only friends you have, try to branch out and make new friends on campus. Stretch yourself to talk with people and engage in activities. Be careful not to let your new friends define who you are, know your boundaries and stick to them. If you are homesick, finding friends with whom you can relate will help alleviate some of that pain.
- Decide what kind of relationship you want with your family. If we don't make decisions about what is important to us and how we want our relationships to operate, it is easy to slide through life taking the simple and quick shortcuts into and out of relationships. The problem is that simple and quick solutions don't bring deep peace, meaning, understanding, value, and love into our lives. Sure, there is an element of a healthy relationship that is relaxed and feels easy, but the beauty of relationships only comes with effort. Can you work on breaking down the barriers to intimacy? Can you start building a level path of trust so that you can enjoy a comfortable, peaceful relationship without hurtful defenses? You get to decide what you bring to the relationship. The change might be slow, but basking in the warmth of a trusted and beloved family is well worth the effort.
What Steps Can I Choose to Take
- Set aside time to write down what you want for your relationships with each member of your family. Think critically about what is your ideal and what you think is realistically possible. Be specific in your goals.
- Tailor your interactions with each person with these goals in mind.
- Be genuine. Talk from who you are, don't put on a show.
- Take small risks of opening your heart. When you get a good response, reveal more about who you are and what you most desire.
- When family members shares themselves with you, listen intently and let them know that you care.
